A whole new me

It seemed like a while since I posted last. Then I saw the date. Wow, that really was a long time. Need to try a little harder from now on.

A whole lot has been changing. Besides my work life being insane, my father in-law got ill (admitted to the hospital the day I last posted) and spent a couple of days and came home with a pace maker and a walker. Since he lives with us, it pretty much has been constant chaos, trying to get him to/from doctors and the such.

My dear son starts kindergarten tomorrow. I am so excited for him. I doubt he will be sleeping much tonight.

Anyway, since there has been so much going on, it really became a true test to my new lifestyle.

I can't seem to remember all the specifics right now, but the summary to date is as follows:

Total Loss to date: 38 pounds
Time on HCG: 8 weeks
Total inches on HCG: 15

I have been off the HCG now for about 6 weeks. It is going well. I avoid all complex carbs. Haven't had potatoes, carrots, rice or pasta since April. I do occasionally eat sugar (very little) and if I eat any bread I do it in the am. I am still losing weight. I am watching my calories, it is not that difficult. The HCG broke a lot of my addictions and I find that if I eat too much or too rich food, I feel sick after.

I still have 30 pounds to lose, I may go back on HCG in January. I need some time and I am curious to see if I can get through the holidays on my new lifestyle. I am confident I can.

Motivation is a lot of the help. I have spent the day hemming some pants that a dear friend gave me - grateful for her generosity since I had nothing to wear and dreaded yet another shopping trip becuase I didn't want to spend more money on clothes that will be too big in 3 months. I know, I probably should relish the idea.... but the huge part about today is that those pants I am hemming, are size 14!!! Very motivating, I am now the size I was when I got married all those 8 years ago.

It is a great day. Total loss (personal count) is 25 pounds. I am buying clothes in the XL(not the 1x or 2x sizes). And most of all.... I am officially less than 200 lbs, my weigh in this morning put me at 198.6. Woo Hoo! Major milestone for me.

I am so excited, I like the 25 lbs, it give me hope that I can keep going and get even more. The new sizes are cool too. I went to Ross last week to look at clothes, I need a couple of tops to rotate in as I have been losing clothes about as fast as I am losing weight. While I look forward to the weigh in every morning, getting dressed is another story. I am changing clothes 2 to 3 times daily. Putting a top on, to find that it is so big that it borders on sloppy - then once removed, it is strategically placed on a shelf out of sight and mind. Yeah!

Under 200 pounds, that is huge and I don't just mean my size. I have been gaining and losing the same 20 pounds since 2000.
-Starting with a surgery that required a long recovery of little activity. +20 (new weight = 205)
-Then once cleared by Doc I paid a lot of money for a personal trainer at the gym and lost 20 for my wedding in September of 2002 (new weight = 185).
-That same year, we relocated to AZ and the stress of the move and my mother in-law being terminally ill, I gain it back (new weight = 204).
-I was over 200 when I got pregnant with Liam in 2004. Did South Beach in the beginning of 2006 and lost 15. That was when we started tracking our weight weekly and the charts after that have a pretty clear cycle of gains and losses every 9 months or so when I would go up to 220 and get on some program (WW twice) and lost about 15 in 6 months and once I stop the program, I would creep back up.

I wonder if the cycle will ever end? I know I should be really happy with my results, I am. But the core problem is still here. Even as I write this and tell the world about my accomplishments, I can't help but think of wanting a reward for my success. Chocolate, food - anything. Scary thing is, I am not even hungry. I need to develop a plan for me, that is unique to my needs. I have read that others reserve 1 day a week for consuming anything they want. I wonder if I can do that? I have 3 more weeks before I go back into maintenance phase. I need to get it together before then. Because I plan on going a full 3 weeks before I start dosing again. Last break, I couldn't make it 11 days before I started eating carbs....

I made it through my "planned interruption". I will not lie - it was hard. First of all, my period was late and while I had all of the crazy symptoms it wouldn't start until after I stopped taking my drops. Interesting, I wonder what will happen next month. After I got past the extreme hunger (2 or 3 extra days, no drops and only 500 calories) I started feeling awful. I was hot all the time (previously cold), hungry - but not stomach growling hungry but the feeling faint and sick to my stomach hungry.

I did not take my drops for 11 days. I continued to weigh my self until I left for my camping trip on day 7. I feel like I did okay. I ate carbs - I think I didn't have as much will power because I didn't take the break seriously - mostly thinking that I would be going back on low calorie in a week and I would just pay the price. I also found it hard to be "off the diet" with restrictions. I think most of that is mental though, since I need to take my 3 weeks after stopping the drops very serious and not screw up next time. I found myself eating more carbs towards the end of the break - probably because I started craving them again. Ugh. Need to do much better next time around.

Total change during interruption - 1 pound gained.

I have another months worth of drops, I need to decide if I am going to do another month or take another break. I am a little scared either way. Not sure if I am going to stall now or if the break may do me more harm than good. Tough decisions.

I am not opposed to doing another round, but I think I need to try a couple of weeks without carbs and sugars and without the HCG, I can't take this forever and I need to learn how to do it on my own.

I am 2 days into my planned interruption. So far, not terrible. I am looking forward to my vacation next week and being able to add some other fruits and vegetables into my diet. I have to remember that this is only a break and I need to make sure I don't eat too much. I have so much motivation though and I doubt that I will make bad food choices.

I wore some pants the other day, they were my basic black work pants. They never faded even though I washed them weekly and have been wearing them for over 2 years. When I started my program, they were tight. About 3 weeks ago they started getting looser and this week, I had to wear a belt. When I was at work and stood up to take one of my many bio-breaks I had to hitch up the pants (even with the belt, since they were on the tightest hole and still not small enough) to keep from stepping on the heels.

Anyway, I went home and tried on a bunch of "small" clothes - some of which hadn't been worn in over 3 years. They fit!!! So the official size update. I went from an 18W to an official 16. Yeah! I can actually buy clothes at a regular store. I won't though, I want another 20 pounds before I even think about more clothes. The problem, well that means that I have wear some slightly out of fashion pants. Oh well.

4 week official!!! 17 pounds.

Yeah! I am go invigorated. I am going to keep going at least another month. I was feeling a little discouraged because I was basically taking 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Losing .6 one day and gaining .4 the next. That when on for a good 10 days, but I think it was a stall. Yesterday and today, I have had 1.5 pounds each day.

I tried Yoga last night, it was the first time in over 9 years. I have only gone once, I hated it. But, since I can't really exercise on such a low calorie diet, I need something. So along with some treadmill activity, I am going to do Yoga. I was a little surprised. I still found it difficult to pay attention - it gets so boring... but in the end, I was very relaxed.

Total Change 13 lbs & 8.25 inches

My losses are slowing, I think that is normal. It is a little disappointing after experiencing the major losses in the first 2 weeks. But I am not giving up. I have been trying to figure out what to do next. My 1 month is almost up and I have been struggling to decide if I should continue another month or take 6 weeks off to do a low calorie diet without the HCG (still under Doctor's supervision).

I think I made my choice this morning. I am still experiencing losses, an average of over 4 lbs a week. That is better than any diet. So, I will continue and stay on HCG until I get below 200. That is only 9 more pounds. If I continue at my current pace, that is 23 days. I will then take the break. Do the restricted calories and exercise.

Luckily I am not sick of the food yet, that helped me make my decision. But I am getting close and want to make sure I don't sabotage when I do.

Net Change -11.8 lbs & -5.5 total inches

This weekend was a little tough. I cheated on Friday. It was kind of a weird cheat though. I sort of planned it. I got a call from a friend who has kids the same ages as mine and she offered a night of free babysitting so me and DH can have a date night. Hello, I would have been crazy to pass that up. So, after dropping of the children, DH and I tried to decide what to do. We decided that dinner was out, since it would be hard for me to find something that would fit into protocol and not be expensive. We went to see a movie, DH still needed to eat and so did I, so we got a tub of pop corm (with the butter topping)... my favorite. I usually pass up chocolate for movie theatre popcorn. Well, I didn't end up eating much. It tasted nasty. Like cardboard covered with vegetable oil. I think the HCG has heightened my tasted buds and it making me super sensitive. The good news in the end, I didn't gain anything as a result of my little indiscretion. Thankfully. I do plan on cheating again though...

I have a pretty big milestone coming up. I am 11 pounds from the big 200 mark. I have not been under 200 lbs since my wedding (8 years ago) and I had to hire a personal trainer to do that. So, getting under 200 is a big deal for me, and I decided to reward myself when I do. I am going to cheat. All I want is a latte. I am still craving diary, specifically in my coffee. I tried this weekend to add some sugar-free flavors to brewed coffee, it didn't work. I need the creamy addition of the milk to make it taste good. Therefore, I have decided that when I see 199 on the scale, I will treat myself to one (only one) Tall Non-Fat Sugar-Free Vanilla Iced Latte. I will suffer through the consequences, but it will be worth it. Maybe just the boost I will need to go another month.

Net Change -9.8lbs

Almost at the 10 pound mark. Had a little set back yesterday when I gained .4 after drinking Crystal Light on Sunday. I only drank a glass but it has a lot of artificial sweetener in it and this protocol recommends only Stevia. I have been using very little Splenda on my strawberries but I believe the content in the CL was a lot higher. Looking back, I am glad that the gain was so little since I would hate to lose ground on something silly light CL. Today I was back on track.

I do need to do more research on sweeteners since I learned that Stevia was the only artificial that has no glycemic index. All this time, I was thinking that if I used anything but real sugar, I was doing good. I am not so sure now.

New realization, my taste sensation is getting stronger. You would think that a limited diet of protein, veggies and fruit would be bland. It is not, I can grill a couple of chicken tenderloin on my George Foreman with no seasoning and it tastes so good. Amazing. Even more amazing, 11 days in and I am not sick of my options yet.

The only thing I miss now is dairy. Now, notice I said miss and not crave. I still don't crave anything. But I do think I miss it. Possibly the lack of calcium, I need to look into adding that to the list of my supplements. And yes, you read that right, diary not sugar, not chocolates, but diary. Never thought I would ever say that.

Net Change -8.6 lbs

Net Change -8.6 lbs

This is so cool. I signed up for this because I really wanted to change my body and hopefully change my metabolism. Obviously weight loss was assumed. However, I never truly believed that it could happen so fast. Talk about motivation.

I measured myself a couple of days ago. I hesitated to do so but in the end decided that I might want the information later. I have been reading in some HCG forums that at some point a stall occurs. This can last up to 12 days and that most of the advice given was geared toward a continual loss of inches. So I thought if I measured my self now, I might need it in the future to get through a stall.

Major highlight the first week. Getting some previous tight pants on... easily! I have these pants I that I haven't worn in a while because they were pretty tight. When I do wear them I have to go through a little routine to stretch them out before I can button them up. You might know this one, the squat stretch. Pull the pants over your hips, stuff in all the extra flab, do 1 or 2 deep squats (use a piece of furniture to pull your self up), suck in your breath nice and deep, hold it, and button. Well, I was preparing to start the process when I realized that they seemed looser than before. So, when I tried to button, I didn't even have to hold my breath. I was so cool. Now these pants are a long way from baggy, but I am getting there.

Net Change -4 lbs

Stress is a huge problem for me. The more stress I am under, the more I want to eat. I am not physically hungry. Just emotionaly hungry. I have been stressfull this week, as the stress compounds - the more I want sugar. Now, none of this was unmanagable but no less difficult.

I need to find a stress outlet. I am struggling with what that should be. I really can't work out, don't have a gym membership at this time anyway. I don't get much alone time and really in the end family comes first. So, here I am trying to brainstorm around what my stress outlet should be. I think I can manage through the "stress hunger" for the foreseeable future, but one I am off the HCG, I don't know.

But the good news, I have lost 4 pounds!!!

Net Change -1.2

I gained a couple of pounds when I did my 2 load days so I had to account for those in my loss. But I decided not to focus on what I lose daily, but to concentrate on my total loss. That is what I will report here. Besides, I think that is all anyone really cares about in the end anyway.

Still contemplating the whole hunger thing. I am hungry at times. It tends to pass, but is is a different kind of hunger. It is physical, my stomach feels like it wants to growl. Here is the funny thing, when I notice this hunger - I still don't want to eat. No cravings, nothing. I just drink some more water and it passes. Evan now as I sit and eat breakfast, I have that same stomach tightening feeling. So I wonder if I have always mistaken hunger for something else. I also can't tell if the lack of food cravings are caused by the appetite supressants or the HCG. Need to think about that one some more.


Valuable things I learned this weekend:

- 1/2 a grapefruit is not enough food after a 10 hour fast
- The George Foreman Grill works great on Chicken and Steak, trying Seafood next
- Always drink water from something you know the volumne of. Carrying around a glass of water will cause you to lose track of you consumption. Know how much your water bottle holds and keep track of how many you drink. Much easier.

My Mantra

So, I read recently on another blog the best words of advice. After today, I think it will be my mantra. This blog contained the words of another woman successful with HCG. At the top of her page she had in quotes "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". Words to live by.

Today was the first of my VLCD. I got up and recorded my weight. -.4 lbs from yesterday - that is at least encouraging considering the serious binge I was on the last couple of days. Went downstairs and made the family eggs, sausage and hash browns. Yeah, a little crazy - probably should have made them all eat cereal but my boy had hockey today and I need him to eat well. I made it through, wasn't that hard really. I wasn't hungry and the food didn't look all that appetizing. Another encouraging sign.

So, after the husband left with the kids for hockey I finished up the dishes and sat down to watch some DVR and have my breakfast. An apple. I struggled to finish it. I waited about an hour and took my first appetite suppressant. An hour later, I swear I felt my stomach growl. uh oh!

The balance of my morning was spent pondering what hunger really was for me. Was it a real physical entity, the stomach growl, dizziness or headache from a sugar drop? Or was is more mental - the idea of only having a single apple for breakfast followed by my measly lunch? Interesting thinking - while I contemplated this, I drank water. By early afternoon, I had consumed 96 oz. I hope that is good, I was peeing like crazy.

Anyway, the mantra. So I made lunch for the family. In case you didn't notice the pattern. I do most of the cooking and all the time. That is another long story. 2 chicken tenderloins and some steamed brocoli. I sat down and felt what I would consider measurably hungry. Half way through struggled to finish the meal. Lovin' these signs.

As mid-day crept along, I started to dread the afternoon. The birthday party. The kind in a hot, sweaty, activity center where a bunch of 5 year olds run around like wild children for 45 minutes and then sit at an industrial sized picnic table for bad pizza and store bought cake. I put my best smile on and filled up my water bottle and headed out, with the boy of course.

The pizza was very easy to resist, I wasn't hungry and bad pizza is certainly not worth the sabatoge. But the cake - a whole different ball game. It wasn't the usual white with butter cream (an easy pass), no it was chocolate with fudge frosting and a boston creme filling piped through. Oh lord, I was in trouble. Naturally the rest of the moms and me were offered our peice, each took one. I did not. It looked good, probably tasted great. But I didn't have to think twice. All I did was say to myself "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". I worked. I will probably be saying that a lot in the comming weeks.

However, I just want to get through tomorrow.

+3 lbs today.

So, I followed the instructions for my day 1 of the 2 day load process. I learned something pretty powerful yesterday. When you have free reign to eat what ever, it isn't that fun when you are stuffing yourself. Also, I love sugar and sugary stuff doesn't always have fat in it. I don't generally eat fattening foods, so when I stuffed myself yesterday (plan to do it again today) I focused on the fatty stuff just like the instructions say. The result, a gain of 3 pounds in 1 day, and a generally crappy feeling through most of it.

All I can say is that this better work, because I wasn't exactly successful with weight loss before and gaining weight in the beginning of a new weight loss process is not only counter intuitive but also a little demotivating.

I am very ready to start my VLCD tomorrow. Got all my goodies ready(food scale, new water bottle, digital scale) and am eager to get started. I decided to take the appetite suppressants, at least for the first week. I have read in a lot of forums that most people have the hardest time in the first week. So, I will start with that and then pull back to nothing if I can. I think that if they are available to me, I should try to be diligent and follow the full process and if appetite suppressants will enable me to be successful, then let's do it.

The other reason for my decision to use the suppressants is centered on will power. I don't think I have much. I am quick to judge myself on what terrible things I consume in a day, sometimes even as I bring the fork to my mouth. But I tend to still finish off the plate of cookies, head to the vending machine in the middle of the afternoon or have that 3rd soda. Weekends are especially hard for me, we generally are running around a lot and hitting drive-thru's. I have become very dependant on the $1 any size Cokes that McDonalds offers, and of course this is after a morning run to Starbucks before my son's hockey lesson.

Yes, I am a little worried about this weekend. Day 1 of my VLCD is on Saturday where I somehow in the midst of crazy have to find a way to maintain my 500 calories and find the strenght to do it again on Sunday.

I took my first dose of Releana today. Tasted a little bitter-sweet. I wonder if that will become a metaphore? Anyway, today is a load day, I am to eat as much as I can, mostly fatty foods. So you would think that a free eat day would be a cool thing, eat anything I want? Yeah, much easier said than done.

First of all, I woke up feeling pretty good, but not hungry at all. Then I weighed in (something I will need to do everyday) and realized that I need to replace my archiac scale - you know the kind with the spring dial. Since it only measures whole pounds by a little tick on the dial, it will be hard to see change and since it moves as soon as I lean over to read it will be impossible to actually measure change day over day.

I just got back from the store, got me a new scale and a bunch of food. Half of it junk food for my load days and the other half of my "new" food. I am ready to go!

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.

Tomorrow I will be starting sublingual HCG. I am nervous and excited at the same time. I don't if I will get the results I have been seeing on other blogs, but I have hope.